What was I thinking about a minute ago? I just finished fighting with a blog post. I lost. I couldn’t get the formatting I wanted to stick. It was working in the draft pane, but whenever I previewed it, the changes weren’t there. While doing all that I had several ideas for things to write. I composed at least half of another post in my head while fiddling with all this other nonsense. Now that I’ve got a blank page in front of me, my mind decides to go match itself to what it sees.
There are days I worry about losing my mind. It’s not far-fetched. My mother suffered from Alzheimer’s, as did two more of her siblings. It’s impossible to pretend I’m not afraid it will happen to me. The most frightening episode I’ve had so far happened over the summer. I was out in my garden, watering the flowers. I said hello to the cosmos, then turned to the little guys growing right next to them and…blanked. I wasn’t struggling to recall the name. It was just gone. As though it never had been.
I was aware, though, that it had been. It had. They were not something exotic, not something new. I knew they were common flowers. What else did I know? I knew my own name. I knew what year it was. I knew I should know.
That was the oddest part, and frankly, the reason I’m still a little freaked out to admit this even happened. Even though I knew I should know, I did not feel that struggle in my brain to find a missing word. You know the one—something’s right there if you could just get a hold of it. That was missing. There was just nothing. No struggle. No information. Blank. What the hell?!
When my daughter came outside, I asked her what they were. Marigolds. Yes! I knew that. It was familiar. Not gone completely after all. I briefly considered renaming the cat Marigold just to cement the connection. Instead, I find myself muttering, “marigold, marigold, marigold,” to myself every so often. I’m also trying to choose healthier foods and get more exercise. And teach myself piano. Every little bit helps. I hope.
I still don’t remember what it was I wanted to write about.