I Had to Look Up the Chapter and Verse

Help thou my unbelief. (Mark 9:24)

There are days I wish I were a person of faith, someone with solid convictions and firm beliefs that never waver when life gets shaky. The truth is, I’m not. I just can’t embrace anything so fully that I feel certain I am right. At least not when it comes to belief in God, the afterlife, purpose, or meaning. The closest I come is the desire to believe, the wanting there to be someone hearing my whispered prayer: help thou my unbelief.

I visited a shrine last week, one we used to visit when the kids were little, just as I had with my parents when I was little. I felt more of a connection to my mother there than to any god. As we walked through the peace garden, laid out like a giant rosary, I thought how much she would have loved this spot, this view, these statues. She had faith. She believed. And she would have stopped here and said real prayers to a real God. Would she have left feeling heard? Was that part of the deal, or did she have her own doubts? She never let on.

I bought prayer cards in the gift shop. When she was too sick to travel herself, I was her shrine proxy. I always brought her back something to prove I had been there. Usually another prayer card. The Patron Saint of Hopeless Cases. Our Lady of Broken Dreams. Something relevant. This time, I stocked up for myself and my kids—guardian angels for the car, more Marys, St. Anthony (because for some reason I can’t explain, he’s awesome and never lets me down). I probably should have just made a donation to the shrine itself in my mother’s memory. Instead, I left with a small bag of trinkets to prove I had been there again.

I felt unsettled as we started the long drive home. My unbelief needs more help than a walk around a shrine can give. I was still waiting for something to break through my consciousness. I wanted to feel that I wasn’t alone, sense that my mother and father were right there with me looking out from the top of the hill.

The truth is, I don’t want to believe anything—I want to know. I want to be sure. I watched out the window as we drove through the most amazing scenery winding through Vermont. I hadn’t been there in years. It felt like we were driving through a painting: light streaming through clouds onto the trees, green mountains, sheer rock faces. This was the real shrine, all around us. For a few moments, as I let myself be captured, awed, by nature’s beauty, I could imagine that God was real and life had meaning.

It didn’t last. Even though we took the scenic route home, we were quickly back into commonplace traffic with commonplace views. The cat greeted us anxiously at home, wondering where I had been. My vacation from myself was over. The mundane rules again. Help thou my unbelief.

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2 thoughts on “I Had to Look Up the Chapter and Verse

  1. I like the part where you say you don’t want to believe, you want to know. Do you mean intellectually, not emotionally, when it comes to religion? I’m an agnostic, and I don’t think that’s a pussy’s way out. We think so small, with all the billions of solar systems of billions of stars in billions of galaxies in an unknowable number of universes, we think one God created all that and the same God cares about our every thought and action. That’s just insane. But it is quite comforting to those who believe.

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    1. Yeah, I think what I want goes beyond feeling. I want the clouds to part and reveal the alien spaceship. I want the angel to appear in my living room when everybody’s home, so it’s not just me seeing it. I want my own NDE, so I don’t have to wonder about other people’s. I think the universe is beyond my comprehension, but I still want to know more. And belief only carries me so far. There are days I choose to believe in love, a divine source, purpose, life after death, meaning, synchronicity and all the rest. And then there are Tuesdays. My daughter calls me an cathgnostigan–a Catholic agnostic pagan. That pretty much sums me up.

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