Not a Rondeau in Sight

My brain is stuck on something. I’m hoping writing it out will help.

I made the mistake of talking to someone close to me (someone who knows I have this blog)about my frustrations with finding a job. I’ve spent the past eight years primarily in a caregiver’s role. Prior to that, raising my children and working part-time jobs that fit our schedules. So, in other words, no solid career for me. Now I’m trying to decide what to do next, and have several conflicting feelings about the whole process, since I still want to be available for my granddaughter. This person, quite sincerely I believe, yet with a tinge of exasperation said, “You should write.”

That little bug burrowed deep and laid its eggs. You should write. This person has a history of making comments about my writing that range from dismissive to derogatory, so I shouldn’t have been surprised. In the moment, I didn’t reply, but the comment stung.

You should write means you should write anything but the crap you’re writing now. You should write something people might actually want to read. You should write something you could sell. You should write something publishable. You should write means what you’re doing now doesn’t count as writing .

I write rhymes and verses. I post what I write as I write it. If I had a great idea for a book, I’d write one. I don’t. I sit down and what spills from my fingers are these little verses. Day after day. The people closest to me don’t like them, so they don’t read them. I am not a writer in their eyes.

Or my own, I suppose. Wasn’t that why I started this blog? To explore that possibility? To find out who or what I was in relation to writing? To challenge myself to write every day?

No matter how many words I write, it takes only three to dismiss them all. Three to remind me that what I do, who am I, isn’t valuable. Isn’t valued. Monetizable. Sellable. Legitimate. Three words to cut through whatever illusion I might have about this blog. Three words that leave me asking myself why I am not someone else entirely.

You should write.