I Want Answers

A FIXED GAZE

What happens when we die?
When the sun can’t wake us,
though it tries?

When the cold inside spreads,
and that odd expression
freezes on your face?

What happens then?
Is it the end? Finally free.
Or do I become we and fly

back to a bluer sky?
Not so heavy anymore.
Not so sure of the answers.

All the questions changed
in the blink of an eye
and a fixed gaze.

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Still Processing That Dream

FELT IN A DREAM

I never knew this kind of love existed.
Or how badly I need it, more broken than
ever, but in a different way. Not broken
by hurt feelings, and hard times, and great losses.
Broken in the way that makes you forget
you’ve forgotten who you really are or that
this other love exists. Is existence.

Is this love something I’ve had but resisted?
Am I made of it too, not just you? And can
you tell me who I am? So much left unspoken.
I feel it only when a dream crisscrosses
life and death, this love I haven’t found here yet.
I’m looking in the wrong places, aren’t I? At
people and things, all tension and resistance,

when all I really need are waking dreams that
remind me life’s journeys aren’t about distance.

My Late Brother Showed Up in a Dream

BECOMING LIFE PURE

Just a dream I think, still not believing
It wasn’t something more. The warmth was real.
And you were healthy, whole, and young again,
Larger than life, yet more fully alive
In a way that’s hard to describe. Life pure.

You didn’t speak, didn’t fight my grieving,
Just put your arms around me, let me feel
What you’ve become: The calm, the peace, and then
The love, unlike anything here that I’ve
Ever called love. It was strong and secure,

Supple and whole. Life, love, interweaving
In a way that’s hard to describe, to heal
Things I didn’t know were broken. Now when
I think of life and love, how both survive,
I know that I’ve forgotten so much more

About who I am, who we are. Alive,
Waking and in dreams, becoming life pure.

Happy Easter

I’M FOOLISH TO BELIEVE

I tell myself I’m foolish to believe
That life exists beyond the here and now.
Each breath’s a thread spun for the shroud I weave.

My life, a funeral rite. I don’t know how
To live this life not knowing if it’s true
That life exists beyond the here and now.

And yet if God appeared, what would I do?
Believe or doubt? It’s easier to choose
To live this life not knowing. If it’s true

That we are bits of godstuff, can we lose
Our souls for challenging the light?
Believe or doubt. It’s easier to choose

When left alone again to face the night.
In silent agony we crucify
Our souls for challenging the light.

Eternal God who lives in us to die
In silent agony we crucify.
I tell myself I’m foolish to believe.
Each breath’s a thread spun for the shroud I weave.

Yesterday Marked Five Years Gone (RIP, Dad)

THE DEAD DON’T SPEAK

The dead don’t speak to me in signs or dreams.
I long for them to let me know they’re there.
The living aren’t concerned. I’m caught between.
No place feels like home, and this despair
Grows greater every day. Why do I care
To keep alive these memories of the dead?
Perhaps I should try living well instead.

Happy Birthday

MOM

I think of you
when the phone rings
or I’ve turned out
the light
I hear your voice
in my head
ringing in my ears
I answer the phone
I answer the night
and I think of you
wondering whether
you’re really all right
there in white robes
playing violin
on a cloud
laughing with your friends
the ones who filled your
life with music
before we invaded
seven deadly sins
mortal wounds
un-healable, unhealed
I think of you
see you young
and smiling
nineteen-forties beauty
with music at your
fingertips
red hair curling
and friends
all of you there now
free and me here
thinking of you
being of you
remind me to smile

When the Time Comes

I SEE

You see walls, I see a window
You see sorrow, I see light
Love is waiting in the meadow
Where the sun is shining bright
I will go with it rejoicing
I will sing a thousand songs
You see walls, I see a window
You see night, I see the dawn
Step aside, you can’t come with me
Though you hold me here awhile
Dry your tears and listen closely
Try to hear me, see my smile
I don’t fear the coming journey
I don’t wish that I could stay
I have loved each moment with you
Now it’s time to walk away
Know our love will last forever
Know we’ll meet again, and so
Let our memories now hold us
Closer even as I go
You see walls, I see the window
Open wide now to the breeze
To the breath of life becoming
To the waking reveries
See the wall, now see the window
Watch my spirit taking flight
Let the light dissolve your sorrow
Let the dawn push back your night