Do you ever feel like you’re trying so hard, but the harder you try, the worse your writing gets? That’s where I’ve been lately. I’ve started and scrapped several posts this morning. Nothing is working, and the poetry sponge is wrung dry.
I’ve been telling myself alternately to give up or to keep trying. So far, I’ve hated just about every word I’ve written today. So much anger for something so trivial. This is supposed to be fun. A creative outlet. Something for myself in a world where most of what I do is for others. Not today. Today, it’s magnifying the feeling of failure that pervades the rest of my life. Maybe I’m too hard on myself.
I live with a deep sense that I wasn’t supposed to be this person, that I took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in the wrong life. I adopted a persona, played a part, but lost touch with an essential part of myself along the way. Now my memory of that self has faded, and I can’t get her back. I’m stuck here, as this me, with nothing to show for it. I’m alone on stage in an empty theater, but the final curtain never drops.
Who am I really? I wish I knew. My own words get stuck in my head on when I’m feeling this way. I wrote this years ago, and I’ve posted it before. I change the punctuation sometimes, and alter words here and there, then change them back depending on my mood. But here it is again, in case you want to know me. My theme song:
Who owns the words that tell you my story?
Who keeps the rhythms, who sells the rhymes?
Who knows the where-ofs and why-fors and so-whats?
Who’s heard my weeping voice time after time?
What do I do with an untold life story?
Wrap it up softly then throw it away.
Are there boxes for keeping the old fading mem’ries
Of times past and times spent and grey yesterdays?
Who will listen? I call out and ask the wind gently.
Who can hear me? I whisper though no one replies.
I am trapped here, a stranger in green shining meadows,
Alone in the world under threatening skies.
All around me life whirls in a dance unfamiliar,
Only I stand immobile not knowing the song.
As my feet tap I long so to join hands together,
And dance till the music is finally gone.